False Identity

'Divorced. She's with somebody else.'

Of course, words were articulated without much thoughts. All he had to do was convince the chica.

Best Man Speech

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna (Sometimes, Never Say Goodbye) is not exactly my favourite movie. Not because it is not a good watch, but rather because it is brutally true. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HdRq94jXOGs

watch from 3.08.00 until the end

Towards the end of the movie, Shah Rukh Khan says, 

'We just wish that the journey to find true love didn't have to be paved with broken hearts'. 

If it is not meant to be, then it shouldn't be. Try to see it from a different perspective. 

This post was meant to be published on the 30th of December 2013. You were barely sober. Insensible and heart-broken to be precised. You did not eat, you did not laugh, you did not have a mentally stable mind. You just did not care. There and then, I prayed very hard. Oh heaven, have mercy upon her soul. Send her an angel to guide her fragile heart. Let her be free of all the hatred and misery. 

It has almost been a year. Just a year. How time flies. And look where are you now. Remembering those dark moments just makes me want to ridicule you more. Drama sangat. My ex boyfriend got a new girlfriend! My ex boyfriend uploaded a picture of her new girlfriend! My ex boyfriend emm apa lagi salahnya ya! Semua salah!

He found the one who suits him well.
You found the one who suits you better!Suits you best!
And the world is so unfair, you got married first!

Selamat pengantin baru, best friend! Love you to the moon and back!

P/S: Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is the last hindustani movie that we watched together with Aufa, Ain and the rest

Keep calm and just keep calm

I laughed during the first vow, of course.

Who could resist it when he said, aku terima nikah dengan mas kahwinnya seriibb... seratus ringgit.

I know lah that you're rich, but the dowry agreed was only seratus, not seribu. 

Okay... Repeat... said the Tok kadi.

'Aku terima nikah dengan mas kahwinnya seratus ringgit tunai'

Alhamdulillah.

I knew. I knew it. I knew very well. So I kept it in my head

DO NOT BE TOO EMOTIONAL. IT IS A HAPPY DAY. HOLD IT IN.

*blink blink blink blink*

What is this water welling up in my eyes? 

Close your eyes and sniff!

Well now it's streaming down!

Quick! Find a place to hide and make it go away.

Keep caaaaaaaalm

Nope! Nope! It's coming again. 

Yes! yes! Look up and just stare at the ceiling

Look... Nobody is cryiiinnggggggg...

Then, the mom cries.

Oh my God. Should we cry together?

I felt like some part of me was snatched away by a Physics teacher.

Oh! Maybe he discovered a way to break the atoms in a human's body and take one atom awayyy.

Atom? More like an organ. 

I used to see it as a blessing.

And now I'm thinking maybe it is a blessing, but as a curse in disguise.

Because it is harder, harder and heavier to let go.

It is still a beautiful curse, though. 

A path towards maturity?

Can I just cry and take the road not taken?

Can I just scream and ask for my best friends back?

Can I just stomp around, roll on the floor, kick the wall and ask for my best friends back? 

Cannot! I AM F****** 26! 

People come and go, Adibah.

Only The One will stay.

Yang Maha Esa. Yang Maha Agung. Yang Maha Penyayang. Yang Maha Pengasih. Yang Maha Mengetahui. Yang Maha Pemelihara dan Maha Tempat Pelindung.

More are yet to come. Like i told you before, we must be independent and strong. 

Kita mesti matang! (the word that we hated so much before)

And may this kinship that we build together not be shaken by this small teeny tiny test challenge inflicted upon us.

Apalah ni! Kahwin saja puuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnn.

I love you, my best friend. 

Selamat menempuhi alam bahagia :)

Though we may not be privileged like before, I would try my very best to steal you from your husband once in a while. 

And we would chat about 'hantu house 31' over Neslo panas. 

EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE. INSYAALLAH.

Just like how we went through 'hantu house 31' hahaha

Now I miss Fatin Syuhada Mohd Zainy 

Love you too, dooooooooooooooooot!

Dogmatic

We saw a lecturer for afar.

‘Assalamualaikum’, my friend greeted the lecturer.  

She smiled and we returned that smile. I bowed a bit as well as a sign of my respect.

‘Hei kamu. Kamu batch mane ni? Kelas ape?’

‘Emm. Tesl. Marjon’

‘Oh… Saye tak mengajar kamu kan? Kamu kenape tak bagi salam?’ she cried while pointing towards me.

At that time, I was dumbfounded and absolutely lost for words.

‘Lain kali, bile nampak lecturer, bagilah salam’, in a rather condescending tone.

For those of you who do not know, the purpose of giving salaam is to avoid arrogance within ourselves. That is why sometimes in the airport you can see Muslims greet each other as if they are acquaintances. We are brothers and sisters anyways.

In fact, it has been narrated from Ibn Umar, that the Holy Prophet said, "He who speaks without firstly giving salaam, then do not answer him ( to what he has to say)".

In the lecturer's case, then, I shouldn't have paid attention to her in the first place. The world has become so fucked up ain’t it if the higher up expects the ‘insignificant ones’ to initiate salaam? Absolutely defeating the purpose of giving salaam. In my defense, it was not my intention to disrespect the lecturer.

In this country, most of the time people have the knowledge; they just do not have the brain to process them.I bet she knew giving salaam is encouraged but just too noble! to make the first move. I was the arrogant one? Okay, baiklah, Puan. 

P/S: Or maybe because I despise being reprimanded by someone I call stranger! 

Servant

The community here is having a gotong-royong and a small feast. 

Why? To welcome a certain Yg Bhormat tomorrow. Haha. Let us laugh berjemaah.

As I drove passed the road, I could see a sign written, “DILARANG MEMBUANG SAMPAH DI KAWASAN PRASEKOLAH”. I could not help but wonder, ‘so it’s wrong to throw rubbish around the kindergarten area but not the housing area… Okay okay. I get it.’

The residents had a meeting to discuss, what to clean? What to cook? What do we need to show? And what do we need to hide? 

Why? Why hide? Just show her the leaking pipes, the horrible sewage system, the disgusting drainage system.

Why does she want to visit?

Owh… Because she received a complaint from the Health Ministry saying that the kindergarten is too dirty and unfit for schooling.

Then why approved the kindergarten site in the first place?

Oooo… Only now when the kindergarten is done, all the problems arise.

Oooo okay. Okay. Okay. Okay!

Since okay is the only word allowed for us to say 

The residents are so hyped to get this place clean before her arrival; the authority namely the Guru Besar is so concerned that The Bhormat might be upset with even trivial things. 

That is just our culture,

WE WORK TO IMPRESS, NOT BECAUSE OF THE RESPONSIBILITY ITSELF or as Islam taught us, as a way to worship Him. 

Yang Menurut Perintah,

Servant. 

J.U.D.G.E

When I was young, I love the people around me without any discrimination. If some things irked me, it would have been because they couldn't buy me ice-cream or they couldn't play with me. The young do not know what is expected of them, let alone what to expect of the people around them. They (who once upon a time was me), do not detest anyone unreasonably. I miss that, the moment when I don’t carry the ‘burden’.  

Growing old… It is not necessarily the responsibility that I despise, but the person that I have become. The new me is irksome, even for myself. The journey towards maturity lessened my empathy and improved my ill-thoughts of others. If a healthy man came up to me and beg for money, I would question his ability in finding his own means. I can precisely judge the annoying, the irresponsible, the flatterer, the opportunist, and all of the fancy dreadful words I was introduced to.

JUDGE. Good and evil. Impropriety and decorum. Acceptable and unacceptable. Folly and common sense. All of these I have mastered so very well until I cannot approve the characters that you have! The criteria to judge make me dissatisfied with you, and worst, I wish I had a choice. This affliction makes me want to change you like the one I see on tele, the one I read on books and the one I see in others’ _______. They told me the right _______ I should have. And I want it! I want it desperately! But it always plagues me as I failed and I know I will always fail.

When I look at others, I question, 
“WHY CAN’T I HAVE YOUR __________? 
WHAT DID I DO TO MERIT SUCH A __________?” 
And those questions tire me.

Because of that, I hate the person I shouldn’t hate. I mean to be thankful but I just cannot.

‘The more I see of the world,

the more am I dissatisfied with it…’

(Pride and Prejudice, V II, Ch I)

Madam Besar

She never came to any of our events

She never showed support

She never really cared

Yet, by the end of everything

She expected us to prepare something to feast her eyes

I feel more like fisting her eyes rather than feasting her eyes. 

P/S: Graduation day is the perfect day to ask for forgiveness. Sekian. 

Is the sweetness worth the bitterness?

The very first time I had my laptop, I bought it from Karamunsing. At that time, I had a notion that all laptops’ specs are no different as long as the price range is more or less the same. A week after buying it, I regretted it as soon as I realized Shidi bought a better laptop with the same price. Had I surveyed the choices first and brought along an expert with me, I wouldn’t have to carry the regret with me for the next 2 years. Investment sucks.

The same goes to car...

The same goes to house...

The same goes to property...

And spouse...

... He called me. We spoke. He asked me about marriage.

And I told him I am scared.  

He said, ‘you should be’.

Then I asked him, ‘if you had any other choices, would you have chosen the other over the one you married?

And he said “yes”.

I am now still in a state of dismay.

It saddens me, truly. 

Running... running... running to find the answer. But the journey is not always pleasing

The beautiful brain

I discovered that I am more flattered when people call me ‘smart’ instead of ‘lawa’. Though everything must be balanced, intelligence ought to be slightly important than beauty. You can fake beauty. You can put on makeup and appear presentable for 4? 5? Hours? Then the concealer would seem cakey, mascara would smudge underneath your eyes and lipstick would wear off along with the ‘beauty’. You are thinking that you have the perfect 32-24-32 body but his definition of a smouldering body is 36-26-40. In the Victorian era, the more corpse-like you appear, the more beautiful people considered you to be; the bustier you looked, the more bachelors would be attracted to you. Now, well, tan and skinny scream the latest fashion. (Betulka ayatnya tu?)

Intelligence is different. I consider it as part of your personality. The way you carry yourself, the way you deal with problems, the way you respond to criticism and etc.  Your intelligence makes people stay. It amuses them, I guess. While ‘beauty’ can be achieved through make up, surgery and Photoshop  intelligence is not something to be gained in a short period of time. It takes a whole lot of effort to read, to mingle with the right people and to make judgement about subjective things, in fact. Not everybody can do that.

Intelligence is eternal; beauty is ephemeral.

P/S: But do put a little bit of makeup on. :P 

Another P/S: I adore and despise Clare at the same time. Her writing is immaculate and people listen to her when she speaks. And people find her cute ,too. Isn't that annoying? hahahaha

She is, hands down, a bombshell. But she eventually committed suicide.
Perhaps if she was prudent enough, her life wouldn't have ended miserably.

I miss youuuu

I feel like I don't have any other friends other than Marjon 1
Pathetic, but I like it that way
Because I'm thankful enough,
and I know well enough, it is the luckiest thing to have them as my friends. 
Real and genuine friends... 

A lame post

Have you heard of people,
Losing their V-card at a very young age,
14 and 16
Because they thought it was cool
They heard it was cool
Yes, it sounded cool
Eventually, they figured out it is not as exciting as it sounded

Like marriage,
"Aww... sweet" here
"Aww... sweet" there
"Bestnya kahwin" here
"Bestnya honeymoon" there
You're going to live with a stranger, basically.
I can't even bear living with my parents
Well, most of the time
And you've known them for your whole life
This one guy/lady
You've known him/her
For like 6/7 years?
6/7 months?
Then, you got married.
Then, you figured out:
'Oh! Why does he like to walk away every time we fight!'
'Oh! What happened? We communicated well before!'
'Oh! When did we get so mean to each other?'
'Oh! Kaki perempuan ni berbulu lebat'
'Oh! Dia suka korek hidung macam si azmi'
'Oh! Why did I get married in the first place? Why?'


It is scary, man. It is scary.
Are you prepared?
Of course, it will be sweet.
But there's no guarantee it won't be bitter.

I'm just saying man. I'm just saying.

Knackered

I don't understand...
Asking us not to be like expert teachers
Who own years of experience and more knowledge
Yet you demand for such expertise from us

I just don't understand

Kisah yang sempurna

I am not very fond of Malay soap operas. The tacky story line and the indifferent actors are always disagreeable to me. Like how it always has happy endings, like how they always be together at the end of the day, get married and live happily ever after, like how all the villains always have the same expression while hugging the good guy (lifting their left brow, squinting their eyes and smiling) and like how their sons are always swapped in the hospital! Please notice the frequent use of 'always'. That is not how life usually works out, you know. Do you think taking someone's child away from the hospital is a piece of cake? Try it out first, and then make a movie out of it. 

But the other day, I watched it! Of course, throughout the drama i rolled my eyes, I cursed, I laughed (rofl some more) and I got annoyed. The drama is called 'Cinta Halal' and I never thought it is the first one to ever make me think deeply. It is a story about a man, wishing to get married to a woman who is wearing hijab, well-mannered, comes from a good family and has intellectual advantage as well. In the end, he discovered that the woman is just pretending to be his 'ideal woman'. And in his disappoinment, he said in this prayer (loudly, of course, drama Melayu):

"Maafkan aku, Ya Allah. Aku terlalu mengharapkan yang sempurna, terlalu menginginkannya sehingga aku terlupa, tiada yang sempurna di dunia ini, Ya Allah, melainkan Engkau"

Don't you think so? Well, I think so. To end, I shall proudly present you with the picture below. 

Should I not be angry?

I am so depressed that I don't have the medium to channel my frustration
I can't tell the lecturers that I haven't learned anything
I can't tell the examiner that i haven't anything 
All the presentations were merely a means to finish all the syllabus
without taking into consideration
'Do they understand'
'What can they do with this presentation? topic? input?
Input?
Can you even call it input?
Input downloaded from the internet! Haha! 
Call it an absurd
An absurd that might cost me a lifetime regret :(

1 week before the 'SPM' exam ... Shift 9... Shift 10... Shift 101
'Sir, will this come out in the exam?'
'No!'
We endeavoured to make the lessons enticing
We discussed issues
We argued, we agreed, we wondered...
Can the teachers cope with it?
Is the shift going to work?
Wait... is this going to come out in the exam?
'No!'

'So sir, what will come out in the exam?'
'Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and criteria for textbook selection'
*LOST*
'Give me 15 minutes'
PRESENTING CRITERIA FOR TEXTBOOK SELECTION
15 minutes... 20 minutes... 30 minutes! 
Input? Intake?
Absolutely 101% no.  
Though I was present, I am uncertain of my presence
Just sitting there, fulfilling my societal role as a student
As the Malay proverb say 'Masuk angin keluar asap'

Spotted questions!
What is this? What is this?
Owh, this is the one which he EXPOSED us to for 15 minutes? 30 minutes?
Ahh... 1 week before the exam, the day when he realized that what might come out in the exam

Then, should I not be angry?

My hair :(

You realized that your hair was getting frizzier 
Everything was wrong
It was too long, it caused you headache
The fringe began to poke your eyes
The length did not complement your face shape
Split ends were visible 
It was damaged, a real damage it was!
'I need a haircut'

But 
A moment before you stepped into the salon
Every reflection you saw in the mirror, on the glass door and on every piece of metal
Only seemed to show perfection
You found no faults with the hair
It was gorgeous
You could scarcely be certain, 'to cut or to keep'
and in the end, you decided
'I must keep you'

But
Once you reached home
You looked into the mirror again
The perfection you saw was just a delusion 

The same applies to relationship, how pathetic :(

Ujian mu

For your information my dear friend,

My recollection of you is only of the joyful ones

But lately all that I can recall of is you being in an ill-humour

The suffer may have blinded you that, your sorrow inflicts worries on us too

For your information my dear friend,

I do apologise…

For scarcely did I know about your pain

And how it oppressed your mind

The plight rendered you to be miserable

And I feel so helpless in the face of your grief!

There’s no other feeling that we desire for you other than happiness

Just to let you know,

Be strong and remember Allah,  

Doa anak yang beriman, insyaAllah akan dimakbulkan

Take care and have a safe journey.

Tukang pukul cohort kami. 

Tomorrow is the 'dead'line

Borrowed almost 10 books,
but only after reading and flipping for 3 days
just realized that none of it is relevant to my essay


Printed not less that 20 pages of research papers,
and 1 day before the deadline,
it came to my senses that not more than 5 pages is worth my attention


Typed almost 1500 words on the word processor,
and when my motivation to finish the essay is at its peak,
managed to only fit 300 words into my assignment.


That's how unpredictable life is
You would initially thought that you're on 'top'
but the truth is, the top is actually not the 'highest top'. 

I have officially devoted myself to education for the rest of my life

Terjah Ramadana!

It started with a meeting, ended with a surprise party
Who would have thought, after three times trying to prank her, this is actually the first that worked out. 
In a way, I was sad actually because some of our best friends couldnt be there. 
But life must go on.
If org London have the heart to eat at Rasa Sayang, we definitely wouldnt feel guilty eating Bakso and popiah! hahahaha. *macam la diorang jealous*
Anyway, Happy birthday my dear friend, may God grant you happiness :) 


P/S: heres a link to her post about the surprise The two aw(s): awful and awesome

As recorded by Adibah, as edited by Mr. Hafiz

Engkau

Even 'I love you' is an understatement :)

Engkau senantiasa dalam doaku wahai kawan kesayanganku.
Cubit paha kau, paha aku yang rasa
Hati kau sakit, hati aku pun sakit
My countenance may appear as if I am unaffected
Like you, I endure the agony with great fortitude
But deep down, my heart is shattered too. 


I may have not the knowledge to comfort you.
But dont forget to remember, 
I am here to at least accompany you
and He is here, there, everywhere.


"(Know that true) believers are only those who have attained to faith in God and His Messenger and have left all doubt behind, and who strive hard in God's cause with their possessions and their lives: it is they, they who are true to their word!" (49: 15)
"So lose not heart, nor fall into despair: for you must gain mastery if you are true in  Faith" (3: 139)


You have to be strong! You have to and i believe that you can :)

Acknowledgement...

I would like to express my gratitude...
...
...
...

Finally, I would like to dedicate this dissertation to my loving parents,
for their undivided love...

Wait, isn't it a shame that,
What you have in hand for your parents,
Is the worst written work ever done
hence the worst present they can ever get?