J.U.D.G.E

When I was young, I love the people around me without any discrimination. If some things irked me, it would have been because they couldn't buy me ice-cream or they couldn't play with me. The young do not know what is expected of them, let alone what to expect of the people around them. They (who once upon a time was me), do not detest anyone unreasonably. I miss that, the moment when I don’t carry the ‘burden’.  

Growing old… It is not necessarily the responsibility that I despise, but the person that I have become. The new me is irksome, even for myself. The journey towards maturity lessened my empathy and improved my ill-thoughts of others. If a healthy man came up to me and beg for money, I would question his ability in finding his own means. I can precisely judge the annoying, the irresponsible, the flatterer, the opportunist, and all of the fancy dreadful words I was introduced to.

JUDGE. Good and evil. Impropriety and decorum. Acceptable and unacceptable. Folly and common sense. All of these I have mastered so very well until I cannot approve the characters that you have! The criteria to judge make me dissatisfied with you, and worst, I wish I had a choice. This affliction makes me want to change you like the one I see on tele, the one I read on books and the one I see in others’ _______. They told me the right _______ I should have. And I want it! I want it desperately! But it always plagues me as I failed and I know I will always fail.

When I look at others, I question, 
“WHY CAN’T I HAVE YOUR __________? 
WHAT DID I DO TO MERIT SUCH A __________?” 
And those questions tire me.

Because of that, I hate the person I shouldn’t hate. I mean to be thankful but I just cannot.

‘The more I see of the world,

the more am I dissatisfied with it…’

(Pride and Prejudice, V II, Ch I)

Madam Besar

She never came to any of our events

She never showed support

She never really cared

Yet, by the end of everything

She expected us to prepare something to feast her eyes

I feel more like fisting her eyes rather than feasting her eyes. 

P/S: Graduation day is the perfect day to ask for forgiveness. Sekian. 

Is the sweetness worth the bitterness?

The very first time I had my laptop, I bought it from Karamunsing. At that time, I had a notion that all laptops’ specs are no different as long as the price range is more or less the same. A week after buying it, I regretted it as soon as I realized Shidi bought a better laptop with the same price. Had I surveyed the choices first and brought along an expert with me, I wouldn’t have to carry the regret with me for the next 2 years. Investment sucks.

The same goes to car...

The same goes to house...

The same goes to property...

And spouse...

... He called me. We spoke. He asked me about marriage.

And I told him I am scared.  

He said, ‘you should be’.

Then I asked him, ‘if you had any other choices, would you have chosen the other over the one you married?

And he said “yes”.

I am now still in a state of dismay.

It saddens me, truly. 

Running... running... running to find the answer. But the journey is not always pleasing