J.U.D.G.E

When I was young, I love the people around me without any discrimination. If some things irked me, it would have been because they couldn't buy me ice-cream or they couldn't play with me. The young do not know what is expected of them, let alone what to expect of the people around them. They (who once upon a time was me), do not detest anyone unreasonably. I miss that, the moment when I don’t carry the ‘burden’.  

Growing old… It is not necessarily the responsibility that I despise, but the person that I have become. The new me is irksome, even for myself. The journey towards maturity lessened my empathy and improved my ill-thoughts of others. If a healthy man came up to me and beg for money, I would question his ability in finding his own means. I can precisely judge the annoying, the irresponsible, the flatterer, the opportunist, and all of the fancy dreadful words I was introduced to.

JUDGE. Good and evil. Impropriety and decorum. Acceptable and unacceptable. Folly and common sense. All of these I have mastered so very well until I cannot approve the characters that you have! The criteria to judge make me dissatisfied with you, and worst, I wish I had a choice. This affliction makes me want to change you like the one I see on tele, the one I read on books and the one I see in others’ _______. They told me the right _______ I should have. And I want it! I want it desperately! But it always plagues me as I failed and I know I will always fail.

When I look at others, I question, 
“WHY CAN’T I HAVE YOUR __________? 
WHAT DID I DO TO MERIT SUCH A __________?” 
And those questions tire me.

Because of that, I hate the person I shouldn’t hate. I mean to be thankful but I just cannot.

‘The more I see of the world,

the more am I dissatisfied with it…’

(Pride and Prejudice, V II, Ch I)